Our end-of-the-year focus is on the Twelve Step program, because this is one of the most effective ways to end an unhealthy attachment. You may be experiencing other addictions, but the addiction to people and love is at the heart of codependent behavior. If you can free yourself of even some of this, you will start to sort the abusers from the well-wishers in your life. A weight will start to lift off your shoulders. Please keep in mind, though, that you should go through these steps more than once.
The Next Five Steps
Part of the recovery process is coming to understand that there is a nonjudgmental unconditional Love whom we can take as our Higher Power. That frees us from enslavement to ourselves or other imperfect human beings. So we admit our shortcomings to Him. Not only that, but we also ask for these shortcomings to be removed.
Also, we have to come clean, to ourselves and to at least one other person. This person should be the least judgmental person we can find, who will listen and just let us talk and feel without invalidating our feelings.
Admitting to What?
Which of these defects do we have? This comprehensive list is from Breaking Free which I recommended in our last issue.
- people pleasing
- perfectionism
- striving for power
- overcomittment
- physical or mental illness
- tolerating sexual abuse
- loss of personal morality
- blaming others for your reality
- taking responsibility for the reality of others
- indecisiveness
- pushing others to be your higher power
- lack of passion
- expressing feelings explosively
- controlling the reality of others
- lying, dishonesty, untrustworthiness
- helplessness, overwhelming others with your needs and wants
- shuttings others out
- inappropriate social behavior
- irresponsibility
- inadequate and unfulfilling sex life
- financial problems
- extreme problem solving
- scorekeeping
- jealousy
- self-centeredness
- insisting people have your value system
- being argumentative
When you identify one of these bad habits, it’s time to think about how that characteristic harm you, harm others, and what are you going to gain by holding on to it. Identifying the negatives helps us commit to getting rid of it. Also, another step that helps cement our desire to change is to ask for it to be removed by the Higher Power.
Make Amends
Also, doing this activity gives us a list of people whom we have hurt, even if by mistake. As much as possible, we should make amends. This may include apologizing in person or by letter. We may buy someone a gift or lunch. Whatever we decide to do should not harm someone else. That means that sometimes the apology stays with us, unexpressed, but heartfelt.
Sr. Jehan started Leading To Love Magazine after her own experience with abuse in an 18 year marriage. She hopes that other Muslim women and men can learn to move on from abuse and heartbreak through her writings and publications.
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