The Goal of Control
The focus of a controller is always on other people. There is something about things happening naturally on their own that greatly disturbs the codependent. So they make other people do things. They make others behave as they think they should. They say, we want life to go “our way” or bust. People cannot be allowed to be themselves. They HAVE to be changed.
The Irony Of Controlling Others
The irony of controlling others is that you are also controlled by them. First, you lose the power to follow your own best interests. Secondly, the person whom you are helping is most likely also codependent. So they are equally depending on you to act in certain ways. They will manipulate you. Addictions also can come into this void in your codependent heart.
Examples of people who may do this are addicts, abusers, and their spouses/victims. The addict who works too much, drinks too much, spends too much, overeats too much, or withdraws from the world through music, drugs, movies, sex, or sleep– is attempting to deny and to hide from the truth of reality. They are completely opposite of “mindful”. In order to comfortably stay addicted and helpless, they depend on a very competent partner who won’t run away when things get bad. So the long-suffering spouse of an alcoholic, who goes after her husband when he disappears for days, is under his control. She does many things to keep him safe, alive, and out of jail.
Similarly the abuser seems to control his victim, but she controls him too. Without her ‘loving’ nature, her ‘wonderful’ patience, and beautiful heart, he has no victim to keep abusing. She enables him to be the worst he can be, by not putting up her personal boundaries.
As AA says, “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it”.
So this is why this article is entitled “Freeing Yourself”. Once you decide and move away from controlling people, then you will find that you have freed yourself from an unhealthy way of loving others.
Types of Control
Codependent people try to control others. How do I control thee? Let me count the ways.
I. Dominating and Powerful
If you hold tightly to a person or if you decide you know what is best, and force that to happen, then you are this type of codependent. Here you gave up tawakkul on Allah SWT. You give up the belief that He will take care of matters, which is something that He has promised.
II. Being in Other People’s Business
These next two types include some very “nice” people. It’s hard to believe what’s beneath that pleasant exterior. They are either helping others too much or taking too much help.
In the former case, the codependent does so much for the other person that the second person is unable to grow. The one who helps is going beyond normal compassion and concern. Their actions can be better described as obsession and caretaking. They are enabling the second person to continue being helpless.
III. Being So So Helpless and Weak
In this codependent, there is still dependency on another person’s love and concern. When that gnawing feeling of anxiety comes, there seems to be no choice but to contact the person who is helping them.
This type of codependent is perhaps the most powerful of the three types. They learn to arouse feelings of guilt and pity in others, in order to get help. They think they can never grow and change for the better. So they continue to be master manipulators to solve the deep fears that all codependents have.
Ending Control
The good news about recovering from codependency is that there is only a happier life ahead of you. With every bit of codependency that you shake off, you will feel lighter, liberated, and human. You walk away from your ‘beloved’ knowing that your only job in life is to control nobody but yourself. Anyone you try to change will resist or punish you after they allow it for awhile. They will only change when they are ready to. It is not your business if they are hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter what they feel or do. You are no longer going to be in their way. You can leave with anger. Or you can detach with love (See Jan 8th issue). Either way, it’s time to take care of yourself, and nothing but that.
Jehan founded this magazine and www.leadwrite.org to help Muslim women and men learn to stay away from abusers, to strengthen their relationship with Allah SWT and to find better healthier relationships.
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