10 Steps To Stop The Pain
While leaving your abuser is important, we know that hearts take time to heal. How you respond to your pain can determine if the process of healing goes well, or not. To win back your life, you need to lose. Lose the hope that the one who disrespects you will suddenly change. Lose the hope that forgiveness will make a difference to him or her. Lose the fear of moving on. Only then you will see and apply the lessons of the past to better the relationships with your Lord and everyone else.
With Love and Hope,
All the time, people say, “Move on. He’s causing you pain? Let him go.” But we all know it’s not that simple when you’re the one struggling. Hopefully, this post will help any girl who’s still in love with someone they need to get over.
Step One: Clearly identify all the ways in which he’s a jerk. Your mind needs to start distinguishing the good from the bad. The only reason you still like him is that the good (the fun times of the relationship and all the happy moments) outweighs the bad. Don’t let it. See the relationship for what it is right now. If he doesn’t feel the same way that you do, if there’s absolutely no reciprocity, then you need to gradually let go. Every time you replay those kind words he said to you, remember how he broke his promises. Remember how he made you cry.
Step Two: Journal how you feel. You have to. It will help IMMENSELY. If you’re not a diary-keeping kind of girl, then record yourself on camera stating how you feel at the present moment. Do it daily. In a month’s time, look over everything you wrote/recorded and you should see a lot of improvement as long as you’re making an effort to follow these steps, especially the next one.
Step Three: Make the choice to move on. I’ve learned that we have a lot of command over our minds. We can set ourselves on the path to recovery from a broken relationship just as easily as we can travel down the road of desperation, anxiety, and loneliness when it comes to missing him.
Step Four: My tai chi teacher always says, “Acknowledge. Accept. Allow.” This mantra has honestly changed my life as it can apply to any situation. It explains what to do with your heart and your mind.
You must acknowledge that you still have feelings for them. And because of those feelings, he’s going to pop up in your mind every once in a while (if not more often).Don’t tell yourself, “Stop!! Stop!! What are you doing?” Instead, notice that you’ve thought of him and gently redirect your focus to something more productive.
You must accept that you have a history with this person. Accept that you may have regrets, pain, and several mistakes from the past. But also accept the fact that you are now deciding to move on. Accept that he was only a segment of the incredible journey that is your life.
Allow yourself to let him go. Sounds easy, but it really isn’t. Your heart will cling to him. Once you make some progress, old things will come up, and pull you back a few steps. Once he escapes your conscious mind and you stop thinking of him on a regular basis, your subconscious mind will have him appear in your dreams or nightmares. Don’t get discouraged. It’s normal to struggle, worry, and have anxiety. Allow it, but always redirect your focus. Keep heading in the right direction. I know you can do it.
Step Five: Find something in your life that is so much better than him. It could be your blog. Fashion. The Bible. Yoga. Anything!! When you find something that doesn’t hurt you, that only makes you grow, cling to it!! Become more productive because of it. Let this little something fill that void in your heart. Whatever this thing is, it should be what your mind turns to when all you can think of is him. I would suggest yoga/mediation/tai chi/pilates (something of this nature because it has really helped me. Don’t know where to start? Youtube is right there in the next tab. I do pilates on my yoga mat in front of my computer every morning).
Step Six: Learn a little from him. He’s heartless? Maybe you need to gain a little bit of that in order to dim your passion for him. Note how he’s able to ignore you. Do the same to him. Of course, don’t call him names or trash talk him. Handle yourself with class. Is he distraught over you? No? Then you’re no longer distraught over him. He’s moving on and enjoying a happy, carefree life? Then, so are you.
Step Seven: No matter what, I believe your goal should still be a Level 1 on the“How Much I Like A Guy” Meter. You don’t dislike him. Understand? He’s not your enemy. He’s certainly not your friend. He’s just another person. He may have treated you badly in the past, but I don’t think it’s right to hate anyone. Honestly.Hate is a very passionate emotion. He doesn’t deserve that much energy from you. What he deserves is to not be disliked. Try and think of someone you’d say you don’t dislike. Someone who rarely comes up in your mind, much less in conversation. Now make him that person.
Step Eight: Watch what you say. Everyone knows that when you’re still in love with someone, you keep talking about them. His name shouldn’t come up that often. Especially, if you’re a Level 1.
Step Nine: Start acting like your heart is already healed. Don’t act likes it’s all broken. No more moping. No more clinging to the past when they is a bright future waiting for you. Walk around like a whole new person. Speak like a happy, single woman. Smile like you’ve never smiled before. Enjoy life. Pretty soon, you won’t be acting anymore.
Step Ten: If all else fails, place things into perspective. Sometimes when I’m sitting around crying about my heartbreak and how life could be so much better, I have to reconsider and take back what I say. I know that I’m tremendously blessed. I have my health. I have a BUNCH of people that love, encourage, and support me. I woke up this morning alive and well!!! Do you know how many people didn’t wake up this morning? Read the news. Think about people who are suffering far worse than you right now and count your blessings. You are not entitled to anything you have, so cherish it. By the time I’m done doing this, I take a fresh look at my life and no longer see myself as struggling. I see myself as thriving.
Don’t forget this: It’s okay for your mind to let go of him gradually, but in the physical, tangible world, I suggest that you drop him cold turkey. Let me reiterate. Give your heart the proper time to mend. But if he calls, don’t respond. Don’t you dare call him. No stalking his profile page. Cut him off. Change your number and don’t tell him. Move to Alaska and don’t tell him!! If he doesn’t care enough to respect you as a human being, move on. And don’t move on with the hopes that he’ll see you moving on and then want you. I’ve certainly been guilty of that. Move on because you know you’re on your way to a healthier place.
Zabrinah Shephard is just “an everyday girl, writing about guys” with a very wise, and self-assured voice. She has a massive blog (200+ posts) entitled “How Not To Fall In Love” at zabrinah.com and an ebook on Amazon.com.